The last three years...

 "You've had a pretty eventful three years," said the occupational therapist who came the other day to see me. Home care is such a weird thing. These people go into people's houses and care for them in their space. 

Home is a sacred space.

These last three years have been full of four different surgeries for things that potentially saved my life. My throat was basically closing,  and the awesome ENT doctor that I saw used medical technology to correct that. The end of my colon was twisting on itself and causing a blockage. I was introduced to Dr. Shakamuri and he used a surgical robot to correct the problem. The results were astounding.

In 2018, I met a foot and ankle specialist who let me know I had a fracture in my left foot. She said that she could just go in and fix that, but that it may happen again, so I just asked her to fix the problem. She used medical technology to change my entire foot. My arch is lower and I haven't had many problems since.

Last week, I had another foot surgery that a different surgeon performed. She corrected my right foot. A whole reconstruction! With this being my second one, the process is a little bit easier, but not much. It is mostly the same, with less hardware in there.  Different surgeons do different things.

On top of all of these surgeries, I have graduated from college, and even lost my brother to an overdose.

When that occupational therapist uttered those words that I have had a pretty eventful three years, it got me thinking about the last couple years and the emotional toll it has taken on me.

The scene in the Chosen, season 3, where Little James is talking to Jesus about why he has not been healed yet. He questions Jesus about how He can send Little James out with him walking like he does. It is because Jesus trusts James to be a testament of his glory. How James can praise God and still deal with his malady. I have wondered how I have been through so much, physically and mentally, but I have praised God the whole time.

I am so thankful to be at the church I go to for as long as I have. 30 years is a long time! I wouldn't trade it for anything. As I am getting my degree and hopefully a better job soon, I am also learning so much. I literally cannot do this life without Jesus. I don't want to anyway. I am so thankful for everything that I have been through in my life. Without it, I don't think I would be as thankful as I am.

I tip service workers a little more because I spent a long time being one. I worked at a coffee shop as a barista, and rang up people in retail. Yes, I might give a 100% tip when I get a coffee, but those people work hard. I'm so thankful for them. 

Thank you Jesus for being in my life. Thank you for the people you have put in my life. I love you.

Eternal Wanderer

 More thoughts are on my mind.

Fentanyl use is at an all-time high. I miss my brother. Like seriously miss my brother. I know that I said goodbye and mourned him a long time ago, but the simple thought that he is not around anymore to be near his kids breaks my heart. I do not miss Jaime...not even in the least. I miss my niece and nephew like crazy. It makes me sad that it took my brother's death to reunite us. Kenny too. I hope we stay in touch. I dread his first heavenly birthday. I do not know if I can do it. I will have to though because that is all that I can do. I know that God is in control and He is getting me through this. 

I'm also very bummed about the pizza party tonight. Maybe it is the universe telling me to not eat pizza. Evan is not vaccinated, but he is very careful. He will get tested until the cows come home, but not the vaccine. I think if I didn't work in healthcare or be required by my job, I wouldn't either. I do believe in vaccines. It is just annoying that because he isn't vaccinated, we can't go to hang out with people. I guess this is a situation that is truly dividing people and showing their priorities. I guess I just rushed to get schoolwork done for nothing. Oh well. Maybe another time? It just makes me mad because these people said they wanted to meet him. Do they really? I'm guessing not. I guess if they can't accept him, they don't want me there either subconsciously. That's okay. I'll be okay. This is just something else to get through.

You learn who your real friends are through trial and error. I know that I will calm down, but I'm just pissed. I am vaccinated, but I do not think that anyone should be forced into anything as long as they are safe. I know a lot of unvaccinated people. Some have gotten Covid and some have not. A vaccine isn't full-proof. It is 95% effective, not 100%. Anyone can get it. ANYONE. Separating people into categories does not help very much. Division among people is definitely from Satan.

Dividing people by their sexuality, vaccination status, skin color, or anything else is not right. Not right at all. If you don't like a person because of these issues, just stay away from them. Do not enter the spaces where you feel "attacked." Keep your issues to yourself. Let people be who they want to be. They are all God's creations, no matter what. Who are we to judge them?

 stand in silence and watch. I stand quiet and alone. What did you do last night? Do you remember?

This pandemic and the age we live in had brought so much hurt to the world.

Last night many people protested. African Americans are being labeled by white people mainly as a threat. As someone that would harm them for no other reason or agenda than your own.

No, I am not going to post on social media how I really feel. That would make me part of the problem and I do not want to stoop that low. Do I have to prove that I am not racist?

No, because I was always taught to look at a person's heart, not their hair, not the color of their skin, and most definitely not their face. So, people have much more melanin than I do. Who doesn't? I have met so few people that are lighter-skinned than me.

Systemic Racism isn't the issue. The issue is bigger than that. I am sure that it happens in other countries, but do people like a police officer, for instance, choose a random black guy and decide that he is going to knee him in the neck until he dies? How many times does this have to happen until there is a change? No one on planet earth has a right to be racist because no one is perfect. Not one person on this earth is pure bread anything. We all have a mix of different countries and heritages.

Between the pandemic, which I am not going to capitalize on because it doesn't need to be, and the protests that are happening, what is next? Can we rest? Can this injustice end?

I truly am embarrassed for the white culture, that we have treated people with melanin in their skin as a lesser person. I say that I am not racist, and I'm not, but my ancestors treated black people like they were the scum of the earth and most likely owned slaves. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

Jesus, save this world. Save us!

Racism doesn't make sense!

My brain hurts from reading so much about systemic racism.

Racism doesn't even make sense to me at all. White Supremacy doesn't even make sense. What defines a "master race"? What makes anyone better than the other. I just don't get it.

Ahmaud Arbery is yet another example of senseless violence that did not gain justice until the video was seen by the world. Georgia does not have hate crime laws. Obviously, the two men that were arrested fall into the White Supremacist group. This should not happen. I love all the hashtags all over that really are giving him justice.

When I was little, I lived in a neighborhood where we were the minority. We were the only white family on the street, but that did not change a thing. We were accepted and loved by everyone! The guy that was the guardian of Grover street was named Frank. I was afraid of him my whole life and I never knew why. When I was older, I finally gave him a chance and he became one of my favorite people on the block. Yes, Frank dealt drugs to provide for his family, not that I am condoning that. He was providing for his family.

I was surrounded by many cultures on that street. So much so that when I moved to Delaware, it almost felt weird to be in a mostly white neighborhood. Why do people need to segregate? Why can't all people live together in one big neighborhood?

I understand the term "ghetto." This word refers to a group of people that choose to live in the same place. It gets used out of context so much. There are Jewish ghettos, there are Spanish ghettos. Any nationality can have one. Calling someone ghetto doesn't make sense.

Can we just accept people for who they are? I almost want to rip my skin off to show the world that underneath the skin, we are all the same organs, muscles, cells, and blood. What makes anyone different?

CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN IT TO ME?????

No, you cannot explain it to me, because it just will not make sense. My other neighbors Bee and George, God rest their souls, were two of the kindest people I have ever met. They would let us play in their backyard at any time. George would sit on the back porch with his cigar and a sweet tea. Bee would sit on the front stoop with her coffee and cigarette. They were just cool people. Everyone on the block...they were just cool people. In fact, when I moved to Delaware, I was thankful to find my current church that put me in touch with Freedom Outreach.

Freedom Outreach changed my life. I live my life as a better person and try to soak up every minute and live for God. God is who makes us who we are.

White Privilege is terrible. Why does it exist? Yes, I am white, but that does not define me as a person. Yesterday, I brewed kombucha and listened to Old School Rap.

Today, I did schoolwork and listened to worship. Your taste in music doesn't define you, your skin does not define you. You define you. Don't fit into any stereotype.

You Be You.

Facebook

I am not sure how to say this. I am not sure what this is going to do when I put this out on the Internet, but during this quarantine, how good is social media?

Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, and all the rest of them. During this time, over 90% of the world is sitting at home, either because they are working from home, or they are sick. Quarantine has caused many of that 90% to spend more time online. Some are connecting with family over Zoom or some other way, but there are so many that are alone.

Many elderly people are home alone. Some do not even have any family nearby to check on them. So many people are spending more time on social media watching people post pictures of their significant other, their dogs, their children. These instances happen to take the lonely person that is sitting at home to a very dark place.

Some long for that kind of companionship, others do not know what to long for anymore. Some have outlived their significant other, children, and other family members. Some have drifted apart from family members and are just plain alone.

Please be aware of these people. Be aware of what you are posting online. Be aware of your surroundings. I do not plan on sharing this blog with anyone, this is just a reminder for myself, not to get caught up in being lonely.

Yes, I am alone, but God is my strength. I am not lonely. Jesus is the one that matters. I do not need to pay attention to all of the people that are surrounded by family and friends in their quarantine because that is who they live with.

I live with my Mom, my lovely mom that has no clue what is happening in my life. She does not know that I find myself aching for someone to be with. Not sure if I am looking for a husband quite yet, I'm not there. I'm just looking for friends, someone to be in contact with. Someone to help me with my homework. Someone.

Be aware of the lonely people.

Healthcare workers unite!

Hello, my name is Rachel and I am a unit clerk at a children’s hospital. I am writing this today because if you don’t find a way to express yourself during such a time as this, your brain might implode.

I am writing this as a health care worker and as a person. Healthcare workers are people too. We are doctors, nurses, nurses’ aides, housekeeping, contractors, security, social workers, hospital administration, the IT professionals, nutritionists, and so many more people. We are not just a few people; we are a team. This team did not ask for a pandemic, but we are doing our best to work through it.

There are lots of hospitals that are so overwhelmed and very understaffed. There are other hospitals that are trying to find solutions to help those hospitals because like I said before, we are a team. Healthcare professionals work as a team.

This pandemic requires very little to control. You do not need to be a superhero. You do not need to know how to fly or fight in a war. All you have to do is STAY HOME! If you have to go somewhere, WEAR A MASK! DO NOT wear gloves at the grocery store. Wash and sanitize your hands! 

Yes, this quarantine has been so hard, mentally, and physically it has been so hard. Staying at home by yourself or even with your family is very hard. Please reach out to your friends over the phone, over zoom, or any other avenue you have to keep in touch.

I do not know how I would get through it without God. I need Him to be with me every day. I need my friends from all over! I need people! Everyone needs people.

Working in a hospital even gets lonely. Things change constantly in healthcare. We have many requirements on us that are taxing. We are tired. This is not a call for pity, this is just my way of asking you to please do your part. Check on the elderly around you. Be a light in this world, don't contribute to all the darkness all around us.

continue on stumbling...

Hi everyone,

I know that not too many people read this, and that this is purely a blog for my own enjoyment, so I don't update it all that much.

So, I am still reading this book for school called Stumbling on Happiness. There was a part that really struck me. He used the initials of famous people that have been in great tragedies in their lives, and have come out of them seeming to be more enlightened people. He used the examples of Lance Armstrong, Christopher Reeves, and a couple others. They are quoted after all the bad stuff that happened to them, as saying that they would not have changed a thing. As if these tragedies are a learning experience...which they are.

I have some people around me, that I care deeply for. They go to my church, and I would do anything in my abilities for them. Recently, they are going through a really grave time. It is something that I pray for them every day about. It is nothing that I can do anything about really, it is something that they have to work through. The amazing part of watching them go through it, is seeing them grow and blossom. I mean, the music created, the love that I see among them, and the hope in their eyes just inspire me.

I have not really been through many traumatic things in my life. I have never gone paralyzed, had cancer, or anything like that, but I do know that there is a loving God in heaven that watched over me.

I thought that losing my Father was the hardest thing that I would have to go through in my life. I mean, I guess you could pin that as my traumatic thing, but it did not stop me. It was like a speed bump. A short thing that you must cross over with your car.

I remember when I was probably 15 or 16, hanging out with some friends. My friend Danny would drive a lot, because none of us had out licenses. I felt bad, and would give him gas money when I could. Our one friend...Darren...lived in a neighborhood with what we called "mile-high speed bumps." They were so bad, that we would have him sometimes meet us at the front of his development.

Anyway, those speed bumps would always scrape the bottom of the car, but the car kept running. It was a Beretta that he drove. They are small cars! Anyway, it kinda felt like that, like I was the car, and I was driving myself. I saw it up ahead the whole time, my Father's death. I just could do nothing to stop it. Prolonging it was keeping him on the medication, and keeping him alive. All he wanted to do at a certain point was go home to be with his Daddy(God). So, during that time, me as my little car self went over the "mile-high speedbump" of him passing away. It was hard, and it is still hard some days, but I get through it.

My friends will too, and they will be better, more enlightened, people for it.

Fireproof...

So, last night I watched a movie with a bunch of friends called Fireproof. The movie was not at all academy-award winning. I don't think Kirk Cameron is a great actor, nor do I find any of the other actors and actresses great.

It did however have a good message. I mean, Kirk Cameron is a firefighter that is very close to ending his marriage to his wife. He works 24 hour shifts, and then is off for two days. He doesn't help around the house. His wife just works all the time doing PR for a hospital. His Father hands him a book called the Love Dare.

He does it, and comes to God...I won't tell you the rest.

Anyway, so after the movie I immediately thought of my brother and Jamie. I bought them the book in hopes that they might do it, and a change will happen.

It also got me thinking, I mean, I am very very very far from being a perfect person. I, in no way, have called myself that. Being a perfect person would come with a lot of responsibility. I mean, Jesus, man, he had a lot going on, and he was perfect.

This presents me with a challenge for myself, a "Dare" if you will. These basic principles could be applied to my walk with God, right? I mean, in the movie when they are next to that cross, and his Father asked him how can you love someone unconditionally, when all they do is hurt you? Of course this was referencing God's love for us, but really, it is kind of a personal dare. What am I going to let God do in my life. How am I going to let him change me? Will I do that?

Who knows? Only God does.

I am not so good at this...

I am just not so good at this blogging thing. My week was a little bit traumatic. I worked the weekend for the first time, and it went smoothly. I also came down with a sickness called hand, foot, and mouth disease. It has got to be the weirdest thing ever.

Monday, I had a day off, and had lunch with my friend Bill. Him and I went to Iron Hill, and it was nice. We went there and had a nice lunch, and I came home. Although, I noticed that I wasn't really hungry. I went on about my day, and went to the after school program, where I volunteer. I made the posters, and some other things that needed to be done for the bible lesson. It was fine, but I just got really, really hot there. I had been really cold earlier on in the day. So, after things were over, I went home and took my temperature.

It was 102.7. It started at 100.7, and just progressively got worse. I went to bed early that night, freezing cold, but sweating all night.

I woke up the next morning and the temperature had passed. I wrote it off as some kind of freak thing that happened, and went to work. After work, I went to the Limestone Medical Aid Unit. I met a really nice Nurse Practitioner. I peed for them, and then was prescribed an antibiotic. I went to work the next morning like normal, went to get labs drawn, Panera, then class.

Thursday I went to work, but noticed my hands were very bumpy and itchy. I showed a nurse and asked her what it was. She said that I should go home, and also that I should see a doctor.

So, here I am, don't rock me like a hurricane. I have been house-bound for about a day and a half. I am going stir-crazy.

When life hands you lemons...make lemonade, right?

been awhile...

I was reading an article on the internet about blogging, and how to properly do it. It said that you should blog every day, and be consistent with it.

I have to disagree on this one. Blogging means so many different things to so many different people. Some people blog to let loose, and let their feelings flow. Some people blog because they want their ideals out there. I blog simply because it makes me happy. I get to let the world(or whoever might read this), know how I feel, and what I want to do about it...which is nothing, but it is interesting to think about the rules of blogging.

I don't agree that there should be "rules". I mean, I read the blog of a guy that I met, and it was extremely cynical with a link to the anarchist's cookbook and things like that. Not my style...

It is so simple to just blog. No rules...no pre-conceived notions. Just good...clean...fun.

Well, something else I have been thinking about has been bothering me. So, as a Christian, I am supposed to leave the judging to God, right?

Well, I am also human. I do my best not to judge people, but when I get cut-off on the highway, and under my breath call that person an a**hole, that is my human nature taking over. It is so engrained in our society that it is okay to do that. It is not. How can I stop myself? Why is it that this is so hard?

God help me...and he will.

new friends...

So, I had the day off yesterday, and I think I wrote two blog entries...

I am wondering how I can get a website address that includes my name. Something like www.rachelcoates.com, or something along those lines.

That would be really really fun.

Do we ever really know that we are all constantly searching for new things.

I am constantly on the search for new people to touch their lives in a very positive way.

I am hoping that Bill keeps coming to kinship. He came out last night, and we had a really good talk today over lunch. He is a good guy. I am really glad that Debbie found him. They both are awesome people, that I love very much.

I need to take more pictures. I realized this when I was trying to use my camera. Thank God I found all the pieces that I needed for it.

more complicated then it has to be...

In my person opinion, I feel that God has made things simple for us. Love and worship Him, and he will be there for us. He wants us to serve him. Not for any other reason then the world needs it, and it is part of the Great Commission.

This book, Stumbling on Happiness that I am reading, is making me think. I am listening to it, right now, laying on my bed. There really is no other reason that I can blame the complication of life, then the fall of man. When Eve bit into the apple, it brought silly things into the world. Things like confusion, car accidents, alexithymia, or silly psychological studies that really have nothing to do with anything.

Most psychological experiments, in my humble opinion, are proven wrong on a regular basis. You might have 100 people that all believe that the earth is flat. Psychologists do studies on these people, and may even send a satellite into space to prove them wrong. But then after this whole big expensive study is done, they find 200 people that believe it is a square. More satellites come...more psychologists, and their mediums come along. Things are proven right and wrong. Other things are proven a moot point.

Does it all really matter. I have chosen to be a very simple person. I don't need much to be a happy person. I mean, life has its trials and troubles, but overall, I am happy. I live my life for others. I want to help people, I want to hang out with the kids around me, and I also want to do many things before I die. I do not have things that I need in the morning to wake up. I enjoy a good cup of coffee, but I am perfectly fine with what my Mom makes in the morning. I have no problems at all with being stuck at my job, with nothing to wear or shower with.

Things are much more readily available than we want to believe. It is simple...

Here's to my sanity...

I am off today. Nothing is going on, except that I have class tonight. It is good to have days off during the week.

That means that I am going to work weekends now. Scary! This Thursday, I am going to classes to get DuPont certified as a nurse's aide. I am somewhat excited about it. I mean, if I am eventually going to become a nurse, I have to start somewhere, right?

So, I am going to get trained on wiping butts, and feeding babies. I am working with Jason. This means that I am getting gowned up and going into rooms. Finally, I am going to be shown how to do things.

It is exciting to me, and I am not sure why I mean there is no reason for me to truly be excited. It is not a pay raise, or anything really special. I am just doing a different job.

I just feel that we can be very complacent in our jobs, and our lives. It is not that I don't like my job, I am just very bored with it sometimes. I also have class during the week, and do not sleep very much when I am Monday-Friday all the time.

Monday-Friday, 7-3. I feel like it was the job that everyone wanted on the unit. All the aides would talk about how that is what they wanted, and I was the one that had it, but I was just frustrated with the whole thing. By Friday, it was like I entered into another world as a Zombie. I can't stand having days that seem like they never end. I am hoping that this will change, and I will not have to take as many vacations to even stay afloat.

And now for something completely different...

Men's body wash commercials...

I think men's body wash commercials are hilarious. It wasn't a minute after Dove came out with their men's body wash that another brand was on TV saying "Do you want to smell like some bird? Smell like a real man." The bottle that was on the screen was gray just like the Dove, and it had a lighter gray random bird on it that purposefully was not a Dove. I mean really, they compare that soon.

I think it is silly in society that we all are comparing one thing to the other. People have preferences...and that is cool. I don't really care. I am a Honda and Mac fan. You might be a Toyota, and Dell fan. I have my opinions about both, and you have your opinions about both. Do you see the pattern. I will never buy another PC again, because I have fully switched over to a Mac. I had a bad experience with one, and am sick of them needing to be fixed all the time. I buy a Mac, and it just works. Now you might have had a wonderful experience with Dell. Maybe you bought one with Windows 7, and love it. That is wonderful.

Do you get my point? We are silly as a society. I hope that you can look at yourself and laugh. I know that I do. I laugh at myself...don't worry, its not at you.

Hello my fellow earthlings...

Sometimes it is so hard to me to be able to just do very simple things that someone else may be able to do very easily.

And when I say this I am taking about getting rid of clothes, or getting rid of older things. I wish that I could just pay someone that would do it for me. I hate cleaning my room, because it means that I have to think about what is really important to me. Everything is important to me! From the teddy bear that a friend gave me 10 years ago, to the Hallmark card that someone took the time to go to the store and buy me after my Father passed away.

I wouldn't say that I am a packrat exactly, but I need assistance. Anyone want to help?

Although, there is probably not too many people reading this because I do not publicize the blog. All it is right now, is me using someone's template, and me writing down very random thoughts that I obtain through my life. It is a way for me vent to the world, and yet a place for me to find a little bit of sanity, in this insane place that I call earth.

So, today, my nephew grabbed some really random object and began imitating Biz Markieon Biz's Beat Of The Day on Yo Gabba Gabba. It was pure hilarity...Imagine the little guy at the top with a short wand of some sort that came from a game he has imitating is..

The previous entry is just a cute video that I want to keep somewhere. I loved it, and wanted you all to see it...that is if anyone is reading this right now...

Not sure if this is going to work...

Pondering...

So for school, I am reading a book called "Stumbling on Happiness". It is a book by an Ivy League school professor, that actually admits to not having it all together. His name is Daniel Gilbert.

He admits to loving God, and being loved by God, and he also admits that he may not be right.

The book is expanding his primary thought base of everyone having different definitions of happiness. Some look at their eternal happiness, while other are looking for their immediate happiness.

It got me thinking. I noticed that in many aspects of my life, I focus on the things that people have not done, instead of the wonderful things that they have done.

It is kinda like when your friend gives you a hug for doing something for them, but then asks later why you didn't do it sooner, or why the present you got them wasn't the other thing.

Why are we not happy as a society about what we have. What are we constantly looking for the next best thing? Daniel Gilbert calls it "Nexting". I think I mentioned it in another blog post.

I just wonder why when I am at work, and have done a bunch of stuff for the unit, I get asked why something was not done.

It is really annoying me. Every single one of us does it in one way or another.

Often times we don't realize that we are doing it. Instead of criticizing, I say that we should try being thankful when someone does something for you.

What do you think?

new friends...

It is such a strange feeling logging onto my computer. I have it pre-programmed with all my passwords, and all of my person information. It is like it knows me that well. I am glad to have it. It feels like a new friend that I am getting to know quite well.

Have you ever just been sick of people? I mean, I just get sick of people, and sick of myself. I get sick of myself in my own skin. Not that I want to completely transform into someone else, I just want to do it for like a day or two. Someone really interesting, like The Dalai Llama(SP?). Anyway, it would just be interesting to see the world through someone else's eyes for a day. Dontcha think?

I got that spelling from the ever-loved Pussycat Dolls song. Stupid Pussycat Dolls.

Anyway, yesterday was my first day back to work...also Debbie's birthday...and also the last day of the East End's existence.

That is so weird how that place just up and closed. Even people that go there all the time did not know it was going to close.

Weird.

All my troubles seem so far away...

Yesterday...

Did you know that the song "yesterday" is one of the most covered songs ever?

I love that song...even the version that Boyz II Men did on their "II" album.

I love having a laptop, can I tell you. Yesterday, I was showing my Mom the video that I made of my niece, and also telling her that my full intention is to buy her a Mac Mini. I was showing her how much easier a Mac is then using a PC. It just works.

Anyway, but it was just great being able to go and get it from my room, bring it into hers and let her see.

Well, last night I went to a worship conference. I am not sure why I was picturing a mega-church when Jason was talking about it.

It was a smaller church, in Perkasie, PA. All the chairs were cleared out, and all it was, was them playing worship songs that they wrote....or God wrote for them. It was really awesome. They closed with a silly song. It kinda reminded me of something that should be on the Veggie Tales DVD "Silly Songs with Larry". They called it the Doot Doot song.

I failed miserably at fasting. I was praying, however. I drank water, and then went from there. It was at dinner that I caved. We were about to leave for the worship conference, and I caved on my way there. Wawa just looked sooooooooooo good. I think anything would have looked good, but it looked especially good, because I had been fasting for all that time.

The worship was just wonderful. They are going to have more, and I will invite all those that might enjoy it out!