The last three years...

 "You've had a pretty eventful three years," said the occupational therapist who came the other day to see me. Home care is such a weird thing. These people go into people's houses and care for them in their space. 

Home is a sacred space.

These last three years have been full of four different surgeries for things that potentially saved my life. My throat was basically closing,  and the awesome ENT doctor that I saw used medical technology to correct that. The end of my colon was twisting on itself and causing a blockage. I was introduced to Dr. Shakamuri and he used a surgical robot to correct the problem. The results were astounding.

In 2018, I met a foot and ankle specialist who let me know I had a fracture in my left foot. She said that she could just go in and fix that, but that it may happen again, so I just asked her to fix the problem. She used medical technology to change my entire foot. My arch is lower and I haven't had many problems since.

Last week, I had another foot surgery that a different surgeon performed. She corrected my right foot. A whole reconstruction! With this being my second one, the process is a little bit easier, but not much. It is mostly the same, with less hardware in there.  Different surgeons do different things.

On top of all of these surgeries, I have graduated from college, and even lost my brother to an overdose.

When that occupational therapist uttered those words that I have had a pretty eventful three years, it got me thinking about the last couple years and the emotional toll it has taken on me.

The scene in the Chosen, season 3, where Little James is talking to Jesus about why he has not been healed yet. He questions Jesus about how He can send Little James out with him walking like he does. It is because Jesus trusts James to be a testament of his glory. How James can praise God and still deal with his malady. I have wondered how I have been through so much, physically and mentally, but I have praised God the whole time.

I am so thankful to be at the church I go to for as long as I have. 30 years is a long time! I wouldn't trade it for anything. As I am getting my degree and hopefully a better job soon, I am also learning so much. I literally cannot do this life without Jesus. I don't want to anyway. I am so thankful for everything that I have been through in my life. Without it, I don't think I would be as thankful as I am.

I tip service workers a little more because I spent a long time being one. I worked at a coffee shop as a barista, and rang up people in retail. Yes, I might give a 100% tip when I get a coffee, but those people work hard. I'm so thankful for them. 

Thank you Jesus for being in my life. Thank you for the people you have put in my life. I love you.

Eternal Wanderer

 More thoughts are on my mind.

Fentanyl use is at an all-time high. I miss my brother. Like seriously miss my brother. I know that I said goodbye and mourned him a long time ago, but the simple thought that he is not around anymore to be near his kids breaks my heart. I do not miss Jaime...not even in the least. I miss my niece and nephew like crazy. It makes me sad that it took my brother's death to reunite us. Kenny too. I hope we stay in touch. I dread his first heavenly birthday. I do not know if I can do it. I will have to though because that is all that I can do. I know that God is in control and He is getting me through this. 

I'm also very bummed about the pizza party tonight. Maybe it is the universe telling me to not eat pizza. Evan is not vaccinated, but he is very careful. He will get tested until the cows come home, but not the vaccine. I think if I didn't work in healthcare or be required by my job, I wouldn't either. I do believe in vaccines. It is just annoying that because he isn't vaccinated, we can't go to hang out with people. I guess this is a situation that is truly dividing people and showing their priorities. I guess I just rushed to get schoolwork done for nothing. Oh well. Maybe another time? It just makes me mad because these people said they wanted to meet him. Do they really? I'm guessing not. I guess if they can't accept him, they don't want me there either subconsciously. That's okay. I'll be okay. This is just something else to get through.

You learn who your real friends are through trial and error. I know that I will calm down, but I'm just pissed. I am vaccinated, but I do not think that anyone should be forced into anything as long as they are safe. I know a lot of unvaccinated people. Some have gotten Covid and some have not. A vaccine isn't full-proof. It is 95% effective, not 100%. Anyone can get it. ANYONE. Separating people into categories does not help very much. Division among people is definitely from Satan.

Dividing people by their sexuality, vaccination status, skin color, or anything else is not right. Not right at all. If you don't like a person because of these issues, just stay away from them. Do not enter the spaces where you feel "attacked." Keep your issues to yourself. Let people be who they want to be. They are all God's creations, no matter what. Who are we to judge them?

 stand in silence and watch. I stand quiet and alone. What did you do last night? Do you remember?

This pandemic and the age we live in had brought so much hurt to the world.

Last night many people protested. African Americans are being labeled by white people mainly as a threat. As someone that would harm them for no other reason or agenda than your own.

No, I am not going to post on social media how I really feel. That would make me part of the problem and I do not want to stoop that low. Do I have to prove that I am not racist?

No, because I was always taught to look at a person's heart, not their hair, not the color of their skin, and most definitely not their face. So, people have much more melanin than I do. Who doesn't? I have met so few people that are lighter-skinned than me.

Systemic Racism isn't the issue. The issue is bigger than that. I am sure that it happens in other countries, but do people like a police officer, for instance, choose a random black guy and decide that he is going to knee him in the neck until he dies? How many times does this have to happen until there is a change? No one on planet earth has a right to be racist because no one is perfect. Not one person on this earth is pure bread anything. We all have a mix of different countries and heritages.

Between the pandemic, which I am not going to capitalize on because it doesn't need to be, and the protests that are happening, what is next? Can we rest? Can this injustice end?

I truly am embarrassed for the white culture, that we have treated people with melanin in their skin as a lesser person. I say that I am not racist, and I'm not, but my ancestors treated black people like they were the scum of the earth and most likely owned slaves. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

Jesus, save this world. Save us!

Racism doesn't make sense!

My brain hurts from reading so much about systemic racism.

Racism doesn't even make sense to me at all. White Supremacy doesn't even make sense. What defines a "master race"? What makes anyone better than the other. I just don't get it.

Ahmaud Arbery is yet another example of senseless violence that did not gain justice until the video was seen by the world. Georgia does not have hate crime laws. Obviously, the two men that were arrested fall into the White Supremacist group. This should not happen. I love all the hashtags all over that really are giving him justice.

When I was little, I lived in a neighborhood where we were the minority. We were the only white family on the street, but that did not change a thing. We were accepted and loved by everyone! The guy that was the guardian of Grover street was named Frank. I was afraid of him my whole life and I never knew why. When I was older, I finally gave him a chance and he became one of my favorite people on the block. Yes, Frank dealt drugs to provide for his family, not that I am condoning that. He was providing for his family.

I was surrounded by many cultures on that street. So much so that when I moved to Delaware, it almost felt weird to be in a mostly white neighborhood. Why do people need to segregate? Why can't all people live together in one big neighborhood?

I understand the term "ghetto." This word refers to a group of people that choose to live in the same place. It gets used out of context so much. There are Jewish ghettos, there are Spanish ghettos. Any nationality can have one. Calling someone ghetto doesn't make sense.

Can we just accept people for who they are? I almost want to rip my skin off to show the world that underneath the skin, we are all the same organs, muscles, cells, and blood. What makes anyone different?

CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN IT TO ME?????

No, you cannot explain it to me, because it just will not make sense. My other neighbors Bee and George, God rest their souls, were two of the kindest people I have ever met. They would let us play in their backyard at any time. George would sit on the back porch with his cigar and a sweet tea. Bee would sit on the front stoop with her coffee and cigarette. They were just cool people. Everyone on the block...they were just cool people. In fact, when I moved to Delaware, I was thankful to find my current church that put me in touch with Freedom Outreach.

Freedom Outreach changed my life. I live my life as a better person and try to soak up every minute and live for God. God is who makes us who we are.

White Privilege is terrible. Why does it exist? Yes, I am white, but that does not define me as a person. Yesterday, I brewed kombucha and listened to Old School Rap.

Today, I did schoolwork and listened to worship. Your taste in music doesn't define you, your skin does not define you. You define you. Don't fit into any stereotype.

You Be You.

Facebook

I am not sure how to say this. I am not sure what this is going to do when I put this out on the Internet, but during this quarantine, how good is social media?

Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, and all the rest of them. During this time, over 90% of the world is sitting at home, either because they are working from home, or they are sick. Quarantine has caused many of that 90% to spend more time online. Some are connecting with family over Zoom or some other way, but there are so many that are alone.

Many elderly people are home alone. Some do not even have any family nearby to check on them. So many people are spending more time on social media watching people post pictures of their significant other, their dogs, their children. These instances happen to take the lonely person that is sitting at home to a very dark place.

Some long for that kind of companionship, others do not know what to long for anymore. Some have outlived their significant other, children, and other family members. Some have drifted apart from family members and are just plain alone.

Please be aware of these people. Be aware of what you are posting online. Be aware of your surroundings. I do not plan on sharing this blog with anyone, this is just a reminder for myself, not to get caught up in being lonely.

Yes, I am alone, but God is my strength. I am not lonely. Jesus is the one that matters. I do not need to pay attention to all of the people that are surrounded by family and friends in their quarantine because that is who they live with.

I live with my Mom, my lovely mom that has no clue what is happening in my life. She does not know that I find myself aching for someone to be with. Not sure if I am looking for a husband quite yet, I'm not there. I'm just looking for friends, someone to be in contact with. Someone to help me with my homework. Someone.

Be aware of the lonely people.

Healthcare workers unite!

Hello, my name is Rachel and I am a unit clerk at a children’s hospital. I am writing this today because if you don’t find a way to express yourself during such a time as this, your brain might implode.

I am writing this as a health care worker and as a person. Healthcare workers are people too. We are doctors, nurses, nurses’ aides, housekeeping, contractors, security, social workers, hospital administration, the IT professionals, nutritionists, and so many more people. We are not just a few people; we are a team. This team did not ask for a pandemic, but we are doing our best to work through it.

There are lots of hospitals that are so overwhelmed and very understaffed. There are other hospitals that are trying to find solutions to help those hospitals because like I said before, we are a team. Healthcare professionals work as a team.

This pandemic requires very little to control. You do not need to be a superhero. You do not need to know how to fly or fight in a war. All you have to do is STAY HOME! If you have to go somewhere, WEAR A MASK! DO NOT wear gloves at the grocery store. Wash and sanitize your hands! 

Yes, this quarantine has been so hard, mentally, and physically it has been so hard. Staying at home by yourself or even with your family is very hard. Please reach out to your friends over the phone, over zoom, or any other avenue you have to keep in touch.

I do not know how I would get through it without God. I need Him to be with me every day. I need my friends from all over! I need people! Everyone needs people.

Working in a hospital even gets lonely. Things change constantly in healthcare. We have many requirements on us that are taxing. We are tired. This is not a call for pity, this is just my way of asking you to please do your part. Check on the elderly around you. Be a light in this world, don't contribute to all the darkness all around us.

continue on stumbling...

Hi everyone,

I know that not too many people read this, and that this is purely a blog for my own enjoyment, so I don't update it all that much.

So, I am still reading this book for school called Stumbling on Happiness. There was a part that really struck me. He used the initials of famous people that have been in great tragedies in their lives, and have come out of them seeming to be more enlightened people. He used the examples of Lance Armstrong, Christopher Reeves, and a couple others. They are quoted after all the bad stuff that happened to them, as saying that they would not have changed a thing. As if these tragedies are a learning experience...which they are.

I have some people around me, that I care deeply for. They go to my church, and I would do anything in my abilities for them. Recently, they are going through a really grave time. It is something that I pray for them every day about. It is nothing that I can do anything about really, it is something that they have to work through. The amazing part of watching them go through it, is seeing them grow and blossom. I mean, the music created, the love that I see among them, and the hope in their eyes just inspire me.

I have not really been through many traumatic things in my life. I have never gone paralyzed, had cancer, or anything like that, but I do know that there is a loving God in heaven that watched over me.

I thought that losing my Father was the hardest thing that I would have to go through in my life. I mean, I guess you could pin that as my traumatic thing, but it did not stop me. It was like a speed bump. A short thing that you must cross over with your car.

I remember when I was probably 15 or 16, hanging out with some friends. My friend Danny would drive a lot, because none of us had out licenses. I felt bad, and would give him gas money when I could. Our one friend...Darren...lived in a neighborhood with what we called "mile-high speed bumps." They were so bad, that we would have him sometimes meet us at the front of his development.

Anyway, those speed bumps would always scrape the bottom of the car, but the car kept running. It was a Beretta that he drove. They are small cars! Anyway, it kinda felt like that, like I was the car, and I was driving myself. I saw it up ahead the whole time, my Father's death. I just could do nothing to stop it. Prolonging it was keeping him on the medication, and keeping him alive. All he wanted to do at a certain point was go home to be with his Daddy(God). So, during that time, me as my little car self went over the "mile-high speedbump" of him passing away. It was hard, and it is still hard some days, but I get through it.

My friends will too, and they will be better, more enlightened, people for it.